Most of All You Page 4

  “Of course I remember you. Hi.” I heard footsteps and a door close as if he’d gone into another room.

  “Hi,” I said, feeling sudden relief, my voice coming out sort of quick and breathy.

  “God, I’m glad—”

  “I was calling—”

  We both spoke at the same time and then both stopped, his chuckle coming through the line. I smiled despite my nerves.

  “You first,” he said softly.

  “Oh, okay. Well, I, uh, I rethought what we talked about, and I hope you don’t mind me looking you up, but I was calling to say that if you’re still in need of a, uh … if you’re still in need of … me, I’d be happy to help.”

  There was a pause and I started pacing again, waiting for him to speak. “Actually, no, and I owe you an apology for even asking. I hadn’t really thought out the idea. I’m sorry about that. Sorry if I made you feel … you know, not good.”

  “Not good,” I murmured, sinking down onto my bed, my hand still gripping the towel to keep it from slipping.

  I heard a small, embarrassed-sounding chuckle that ended in a sigh. “Yeah, not good.” What else was there to feel except “not good”? That seemed to be life’s default mode—at least for me.

  I snapped back to the present. “There’s no need to apologize. I feel just fine. And, well, I understand if you’ve come up with a different idea, but if not, I’m available.” I waited for him to speak, but when he didn’t immediately, I rushed to fill the silence. “You can practice on me. I mean, if you still want to.”

  There was silence from the other end of the line again, and this time I waited it out. Finally, Gabriel spoke and his voice was even quieter. “How would this work exactly?”

  I laughed shortly. “You’re going to have to let me know that. I figure you can come to the club like last night. I’ll make sure Anthony knows you’ve followed procedure.”

  I heard his breath release in what I hoped was a smile, and then he was silent for another moment. “You sure about this? You feel okay with it?”

  “Yes.”

  “Okay, then.” He still sounded hesitant. “When do you work next?”

  “Tomorrow night.”

  “Okay, I’ll be there tomorrow night. And if you change your mind—”

  “I won’t change my mind. See you then, Gabe.”

  “No more ‘sugar’?” There was a smile in his voice and I smiled, too.

  “Whatever you want me to call you, sugar, that’s what I’ll call you.”

  “Gabe’s fine. Gabe’s good.”

  “See you tomorrow night, sugar.”

  Another chuckle. “See you then.”

  I hung up and let out a breath, feeling slightly more energized. Okay, I’d figured out my situation. A little extra money—we’d have to talk specifics tomorrow night—but I’d need to at least double my lap-dance rate to make this worth my time. Feeling slightly better, I dropped my towel and pulled on some clean clothes. When I looked in the mirror, I was surprised to see a small smile on my face I hadn’t even realized was there. I blinked, watching the smile slip. There was a large red mark on my cheek where Tommy had backhanded me, and a small welt on my cheekbone that must have been caused by his wedding ring. I picked up my hairbrush, using it roughly on my wet hair, pulling it through the knots until the harsh tugs on my scalp made me wince.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  You can find hope in the strangest of places, in the darkest of corners. Clutch it close, my darling. It’s yours and no one else’s.

  Lemon Fair, the Queen of Meringue

  GABRIEL

  The Platinum Pearl was bustling. I took a seat at the same table I’d sat at two nights before and ordered a beer from the cocktail waitress. “Do you know when Crystal’s performing?” I asked. The dark-haired server who brought my Miller Lite leaned over farther than necessary to set my beer on the table. She appeared confused when I held eye contact instead of looking down at her breasts thrust in my face, staying in the bent position a beat longer before standing up straight.

  “I think she’s up next.”

  My heart thumped faster as I turned to the stage, waiting for the next song to start. I had been shocked when she called saying she’d changed her mind. Shocked and slightly bewildered. I wondered what had changed her mind. Wondered what had compelled her to look me up and call me. I’d almost told her to forget it entirely since I’d decided the whole idea was terrible. But once I heard her voice over the phone, I hadn’t been able to bring myself to turn her down. The truth was, I was both scared and excited, and it was an exhilarating feeling—one I hadn’t experienced before. I wanted … more. And I thought that was probably a positive thing for me, to want at all. But what about her? I kept coming back to that.

  The lights flashed and then dimmed and the music started, a steady bass rhythm that had my blood pumping in time to the music. I frowned as I looked around. There was a bachelor party sitting near the stage, and they were practically falling out of their chairs they were so drunk.

  When the lights came back on, Crystal was sitting in a chair wearing a tiny silver bikini with fringe hanging from the edges of the top and the bottom and a pair of tall silver boots. I was so intent on her that the cheers that went up around the room startled me. I took a sip of my beer and watched as she began to dance.

  Her long hair moved around her beautiful, slender body as she performed, catching the light, a color I didn’t recall ever seeing before—sort of a combination of blonde, red, and brown. It made me think of light shining through a bottle of honey. And there was so much of it. I wondered what it’d feel like to run my fingers through it. Her body moved to the beat, her eyes closed, that cold, distant expression in place, seemingly as immovable as armor.

  Crystal. No, not crystal. Crystal was perfectly clear, transparent. A person could see right through crystal as if it were glass. Not the girl up there. Not crystal—nothing even close.

  What’s your name? Your real name? God, I want to know.

  “I’d fuck that pussy like a jackhammer!” one drunk bachelor-party goer yelled out to the delight of his friends, who guffawed and held up their drinks in cheers to him. His lewd statement jolted me from my thoughts. He stood and started drilling his groin against the chair in imitation of the sex act he’d just described.

  This whole scene opened up some void inside that made me feel angry and sad at the same time. I stood up, throwing a tip down on the table, and headed to the back to wait. I rounded the corner to the hallway where I’d waited for Crystal the first time, and saw that the bouncer, Anthony, was sitting on a stool. “What can I do for you?” he asked in his deep baritone.

  “I’m here to see Crystal after she’s finished dancing.”

  “You Gabe?”

  “Yeah,” I said, surprised. I hadn’t expected that she would have given my name to Anthony.

  “I’ll show you back.”

  I followed Anthony to a different room than the one where I’d talked to Crystal the first time. It was dim and had purple velvet fabric hanging from all four walls. There was a black leather couch against one wall, a few scattered velvet ottomans, a sound system in the corner, and a large-screen TV hanging on the opposite wall from the couch.

  “Go ’head and take a seat,” Anthony said. “Crystal will be in after her performance.”

  “Right,” I said, moving deeper into the room.

  I heard the click of the door closing behind me and let out a breath. I sat down on the edge of the couch, fighting anxiety. Shadowy. Locked door. Soundless. This room felt like a cave, or a dank basement. My eyes landed on the door, and I reminded myself that I could leave anytime I wanted to. This wasn’t the same. Not at all.

  I wondered, though, if this was Crystal’s version of a dank, locked basement.

  I wasn’t exactly sure why I questioned it, but the thought sat there like a rock, the weight of it pushing on my conscience.

  A few minutes later, I was startled from my thought
s when the door swung open and Crystal stepped inside. I started to stand, but she gestured for me to remain sitting and so I did. She had put on a long sweatshirt that came to the middle of her thighs and fell off her shoulders, but was still wearing the silver boots. I smiled at the outfit. She sat down on the couch, turning toward me. My insides twisted. God, she was beautiful. Too beautiful for this room. Too beautiful for this place.

  She’d put her hair up in a huge, messy pile on top of her head. It looked darker in this light, more brown than gold. Her almond-shaped eyes were heavily made up in black eyeliner and ridiculously long, obviously false eyelashes. “I wasn’t sure you’d come.” She smiled, the one that didn’t meet her eyes.

  I massaged the back of my neck, feeling strange, shy, out of my element, and … guilt ridden. “I’m not sure I should have.”

  Her face fell slightly, and I rushed on. “I’m just … I guess I’m having a pang of conscience.”

  Her gaze moved over my face for a moment in that measuring way of hers before she raised an eyebrow, standing and walking seductively toward the sound system before turning back to me. “Well, my goodness, that sounds painful. It’s not contagious, is it?” She put a hand on her hip and smiled sweetly at me.

  I laughed, a burst of warm humor mixed with a bit of surprise filling my chest. It felt good. “No, I don’t think so.”

  “Well, good.” She put on some music, turning the volume down low, and walked back toward me, sitting on the couch again. “How about we try out one session, and if it doesn’t work for you, if it makes you feel …not good, we’ll call it quits, no harm done.” She gave me a small, teasing smile, and it felt like bird wings had begun flapping between my ribs.

  One session. She really was thinking of this as therapy. I supposed that was accurate enough. I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth, still not sure, but not wanting to leave, not really.

  I liked her. I liked the way she looked at me, the way she teased, the flash of keen intelligence behind her eyes, her quick wit, the way she seemed so hard, and yet was somehow soft at the same time. I did, I liked her. Oh, Gabriel, you idiot.

  “We should agree on a fee first.”

  “You just name the price,” I said. “I’m fine with whatever you think is fair.”

  “Fair,” she murmured. “Well, the club takes the cost of a lap dance while we’re in here, so in order to make any money for myself, I would have to double that. So fifty.” Uncertainty passed briefly over her expression, as if she was nervous she might have asked for too much.

  “Fifty dollars?” I repeated, trying not to wince at the knowledge of how little she got paid to do what she did. The club takes the cost of a lap dance. Jesus.

  “If that’s too much, I could do forty-five,” she said in a rush of words, a tinge of desperation in her tone. Ah. That explained it. She needed the money, small amount though it was. That’s why she had decided to do this.

  That pang was back again—even sharper this time—causing a stabbing sensation in my gut. I shifted in my seat. “When I was a teenager, I used to go to this psychologist in Middlebury who charged a hundred and fifty a session. I wouldn’t pay you any less.”

  Her eyes widened very slightly before that unaffected look came over her face again. “Oh, okay. Well, great. Should we start with kissing?”

  I blinked and then chuckled softly. It turned into a grimace, and I rubbed at the back of my neck again, embarrassed. “I might not have been totally clear about the extent of my discomfort with having people in my personal space. If I was ready for kissing, I wouldn’t be here.”

  She frowned slightly, tilting her head as she measured me again. She nodded, that bare hint of softness coming into her eyes, but no judgment. I released a breath, grateful for that small mercy.

  “I can teach you what I do when someone gets close to me. I remove myself completely, and it makes it bearable.” She bit her lip, her brow furrowing as if considering something. “I think I can teach you how to do that.”

  My body stilled as I stared at her. Her words caused my heart to ache. Oh God. “That’s not what I want, though. I know how to remove myself. I know how to do that. I want to stay present. That’s what I need you to help me with. Staying.”

  Her cheeks flushed, and she stared at me for a moment before looking away. “Oh.” She picked at a fingernail, her brow creasing before her eyes met mine again. There was something in her expression I was having trouble reading. Was it fear?

  She shifted, wrapping her arms around her waist and unwrapping them just as quickly, clasping her hands in her lap. She smiled, that big one that was all mouth and cheek muscles, but no eyes. “Well. Let’s just get started, then. Can I …?” She used her finger to indicate moving closer to me on the couch. Her gaze met mine and held for a moment as I nodded, anxiety coursing through my blood.

  She scooted closer to me as my heart rate accelerated. I felt my body flush uncomfortably, my skin prickling as she again slid closer, our thighs almost touching. There was a red mark on her cheekbone that her makeup didn’t cover from this close. I wanted to ask her about it, but I couldn’t form the words. The adrenaline pumping through my body at her nearness made me feel dizzy, made me want to bolt, to flee. I was desperate for space, and though I knew it was irrational, I couldn’t help wanting to back away, to put myself at arm’s distance so I felt safe. I sucked in oxygen, her eyes still holding mine.

  “I’m going to touch your hand,” she whispered. “Is that okay?” Her eyes were wide, and her lips were parted as her chest rose and fell with each quickened breath. I saw it—her nervousness, her uncertainty, but the care she was taking in spite of it—and for one sweet moment, a breeze of calm moved through me.

  I let out a strange sound that was half word … half exhale. She hesitated, but kept eye contact. “Gabriel,” she murmured. I felt the warmth of her breath as she spoke my name. I smelled her perfume, something fresh and delicate that reminded me of spring rain and newly cut grass, something that seemed to conflict with the heaviness of her makeup, the boldness of her skimpy clothing. Who are you, Crystal? Really?

  A pulse beat steadily at the base of her throat, and for a wild moment I wondered what it would feel like to place my lips there, to run my tongue over it. Would she let me? More importantly, would she want it?

  Her hand touched mine, smooth, tentative, and I tensed at the skin-on-skin contact. Run! My thigh muscles contracted in preparation of flight, but I held myself still by sheer will, clenching my eyes shut. Words and phrases and sounds were whipping through my mind, assaulting me, taking me out of the present, back there.

  Good boy.

  Just relax.

  You like that, don’t you?

  No!

  I gripped Crystal’s hand tightly, and she let out a small groan of distress. My eyes flew open and I let go of her, standing quickly. I was sweating, my heart beating so harshly, I swore she could hear it from where she still sat. There was both relief and disappointment in putting distance between us. I expected the relief, but the disappointment was something new.

  “I’m sorry,” I said when I could speak. “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry. Do you want to try again?” Her words were said quickly, but her voice was soft.

  I shook my head. “No. Not … not tonight. That was enough.” I let out an embarrassed chuckle. “You sure you’re up for this?”

  She was still sitting in the same position as she had been when I stood, her hand lying limply on the couch where I’d been. Her head was tilted and her cheeks were flushed, too, though I couldn’t say why. She looked slightly confused as she bit at her lip. But then she smiled that practiced smile again and stood up, though she still didn’t answer my question.

  She wrapped her arms around her waist again, and this time, left them there as she looked at me.

  She’s as scared as I am. The thought caused me to frown. I wasn’t sure where it’d come from or why I’d had it at all. She doesn’t know what to
think about this.

  For a second we looked at each other awkwardly. “Oh, uh.” I reached into my pocket, taking out my wallet and counting out the cash and handing it to her. She took it with a small smile and stuck it in her bra.

  “I don’t work tomorrow but I work the night after that if you—”

  “That’d be great.”

  She nodded. “Same time?”

  “Yeah. Same time.”

  “Okay, Crys—” I paused. “Can I call you by your real name? You know, now that we’re on more intimate terms. Having held hands and all.”

  She laughed. “I told you, sugar. Around here, that is my real name.”

  I frowned in disappointment. “Okay.

  See you soon, then.” She opened the door and I walked through it, putting my hands in my pockets, glancing back once before I turned out of the hallway. She was still standing against the open door, looking slightly troubled, and watching me as I left.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Take my hand and follow me to the daffodil fields. The sweet perfume makes us invisible, you know. We’ll hide together, you and I. I won’t ever leave you alone.

  Lady Eloise of the Daffodil Fields

  GABRIEL

  I pulled up in front of the post office and stepped out into the summer heat. It’d been unusually hot for Vermont in the last couple of weeks, and I was looking forward to the cooling rain that was supposed to come later this week.

  The post office was cool and silent, mostly empty on a weekday at ten a.m. I breathed in the familiar scent of old paper. Bridgett Hamill was at the counter filing her nails. When I stepped forward, she glanced up at me, her eyes widening slightly as she dropped the file and pushed it quickly into the open drawer in front of her.

  “Can I help you?”

  “Hi, Bridgett.”

  She snapped her gum, her eyes darting around. “Hello.”

  I smiled thinly, embarrassed by her blatant standoffishness. We’d gone to school together. I’d helped her up once in second grade after a bully knocked her books out of her hands and she’d cried. But that had been before. I supposed when she remembered it, if she remembered it, that’s what she thought, too.