Most of All You Page 18

  “From who? Dominic?”

  George had been hitting the bag lightly but now dropped his arms, looking at me with an expression that spoke of disappointment, regret maybe. “Dominic’s not a bad kid, Ellie, not really, but yeah, him, too.” He sighed, looking older than I’d thought him before. “Not all men will take advantage of you just because they have the opportunity, but you gotta learn to spot the ones who might and then stay away. You got mixed up with the wrong crowd, Ellie girl.”

  I made a scoffing sound in the back of my throat. “Life mixed me up with the wrong crowd.”

  “I don’t doubt it. But life also brought you Gabriel.” He eyed me for a minute, and the way he was looking at me made me feel exposed in some way as if he understood more about me than he really had reason to. “Now that you know the difference, stay away from the wrong crowd.” He paused. “Even so, every once in a while, someone’s gonna surprise you, and not in a good way.” Right. Dominic. “That’s when you gotta know how to deck ’em so they don’t get up again.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “You’re going to teach me how to fight?”

  “Yup.”

  “George, what’s that going to do?”

  “It’s going to help you see that you don’t have to take it. I think, Ellie girl, that you’ve been taking it for a long, long time. Am I right?”

  “What choice have I had?” I muttered. I didn’t know what to make of this man standing in front of me.

  “Maybe not many good ones. I’m going to open up the options for you here. Come on.” He bent down and picked something up and threw them at me. I caught them against my chest with one hand, looking down. Boxing gloves. The whole situation was ludicrous.

  “I’m on crutches.”

  “Are you able to put a little weight on your leg yet?”

  The doctor had said I could start trying and I had, but not much. Mostly just when I needed to balance, like now, I supposed. “A little,” I admitted.

  George nodded. “Toss the crutches aside for now. The bag will steady you if you need it.” He nodded to the gloves. “Go on, put ’em on. The secret to throwing a good punch is putting your chin down so your arm comes out straight. Come on.”

  I put the gloves on slowly and then limped into the garage, where George stood holding the bag steady. I laid my crutches down and stood, balancing on my good leg and the toes of my casted leg. Cautiously, I tapped the bag. “I suppose you taught Gabriel how to throw a punch.” I thought about Dominic’s nose spraying blood, the look of incredulity that had passed over his expression, the hurt. I almost grimaced as the moment I’d been trying not to think about came back to me in vivid color.

  “Yup. Taught both the boys. Told them you only throw a punch for two reasons: if someone hits you first, or to protect the honor of a woman.” Huh. I hit the bag a little harder.

  “That’s it. Give it a good blow, Ellie. Show it who’s boss.”

  I laughed lightly, doing as George said. We spent the next ten minutes with him instructing me as I hit the bag harder and harder, being careful of my ribs, careful not to jostle myself in a way that would set my healing back. As I hit the bag, a feeling of powerful satisfaction surged through me. I felt … strong, or like I could be. Maybe.

  George stilled the bag, smiling broadly at me. “All right, then. This is a good start. You come back once a week and we’ll make a prizefighter out of you yet.”

  I laughed again, nodding as I removed the gloves. “Okay, George.”

  “Good.” He studied me for a moment. “Now it seems to me you need a job.”

  I stiffened. “You have a job for me?”

  “It’s not real exciting. But you might have noticed we need someone to answer the phone at the quarry showroom. Right now we pick it up when we can, otherwise it goes to voice mail, but that’s not working out real great. We had someone working the front desk a few months ago, but she quit to watch her grandchildren full-time. Just haven’t gotten around to hiring anyone else. Seems like we’d both be doing each other a favor if you could stand the boredom.”

  I chewed on my lip. “I don’t have any experience answering phones.”

  “You can learn.” You can learn.

  At his words, nervous flutters started up in my belly. Still, it was nice that someone had faith in me. When was the last time that had happened? I couldn’t remember. It felt good. God, it felt good. I nodded. “Okay. Thank you, George.”

  He smiled as we walked back to his truck. “All right, then. Take another week to heal. You can start next Monday at nine. Sound good?”

  “Yeah, sounds good.” I climbed up into George’s truck and glanced over at him as he started the engine. “George, Dominic works there and—”

  “You won’t have any problems with Dominic again.” George’s jaw hardened slightly. He looked over at me pointedly. “Okay?”

  I nodded. “Okay.” I considered him, his strong profile, deeply tanned skin with white creases where his laugh lines were, making it obvious he smiled big and he smiled often. He had a thick head of gray hair and the brightest blue eyes I’d ever seen. He was a handsome man. A kind man. The sort of man I’d dreamed would open the door of that ugly little house the day my mama and I had knocked. “Why are you being so nice to me?” I asked before I’d thought better of it.

  He shot me a quick glance before looking back to the road. “Because I trust Gabriel, and he deserves to be happy.”

  I tilted my head, considering his answer. Yes, yes he did deserve to be happy. But in George’s answer was the implication that my happiness was connected to Gabriel’s. I wasn’t sure if that was true, and I wasn’t even sure I wanted it to be true. It seemed like a type of responsibility I shouldn’t be trusted with.

  “You don’t have to call his home your home if you don’t want to. You can leave again. It’s your right. But not that way—without a word or a goodbye. He deserves better.”

  I nodded, looking down at my hands in my lap, picking at my fingernails. “I know.”

  We drove toward Gabriel’s house, my nerves increasing the closer we got. I started fidgeting with the hem of my shirt. How was he going to react to my being back? I hadn’t even said goodbye to him, had just disappeared. George was right; Gabriel deserved so much better. Better than me. And yet I was still so deeply hurt about what Dominic had told me about Chloe. He’d been a friend to me in a way no one else ever had. Maybe that’s what I needed to focus on—a friendship with Gabriel. He wanted Chloe, and really, how could he not? And she was clearly attracted to him and thought the world of him, as well. So what if I had more intense feelings for Gabriel? I could put those aside and focus on what was best for him. I could. I would. I kept repeating it to myself as we drove, hoping I’d convince myself by the time we arrived.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Be brave even in your words. Even in your thoughts.

  Racer, the Knight of Sparrows

  GABRIEL

  I heard George’s truck before I saw it and stepped from the garage, removing my gloves as my heart hammered in my chest. Oh God, please let her be with him. I squinted as the truck moved closer, noticing the outline of two heads in the front window. I let out a relieved breath.

  The truck stopped and I watched as George hopped out, giving me a slight nod and a smile, gesturing that he’d help Ellie out. She stepped down and glanced at me nervously while getting herself situated on her crutches.

  George started walking toward the driver’s side, calling out a quick goodbye to both of us.

  “Thanks, George,” I said, hoping he understood the deep sincerity of my words. He nodded as he climbed inside.

  “Hey,” I said, turning to Ellie, who was standing on my walkway, that same uncertainty in her eyes as she chewed at her lip, making me want to kiss her and comfort her all at the same time.

  “Hey.”

  I nodded to the front porch swing. “Will you sit with me?”

  She glanced behind her. “Yes.”

  I
helped her up the two steps although she was already adept with the crutches, and we sat down on the swing, strangely awkward for a moment. The porch was cast in shade, and the chocolate mint growing on the side of the house scented the air.

  I felt like a young kid on my first date with a girl I wasn’t sure wanted to be on a date with me. And I felt like a man who had apologies to make and didn’t know where to begin. I let out a slow breath. Best to dive right in, I supposed. “Jesus, I’m sorry, Ellie.”

  She looked at me, turning her body slightly the way mine was so we were mostly facing each other. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”

  “After everything, I didn’t keep you safe—”

  “You hold no responsibility for that.” She looked down. “The truth is, I goaded Dominic. I encouraged him to do what he did.” Her eyes were full of a pained guilt, and it made my heart pinch, though I couldn’t deny a fierce streak of jealousy raced through me, too, hot and uncomfortable. It made me feel edgy, like hitting something again. Or someone, rather. My brother had kissed Ellie before I’d kissed her.

  “Did you want to kiss him?”

  “No.”

  I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth, watching her for a moment, wondering why she’d let him, thinking she might not even know. “I think maybe we should lay the responsibility mostly at Dominic’s doorstep and leave it there. What do you say?”

  A slight smile, a small nod. “But I don’t want to come between you and your brother. It’s not right.”

  I looked past her, staring off into the trees over her shoulder, the sun high in the sky, remembering the way my guts had twisted when I saw Dominic pressed against Ellie in the hallway, his face angled over hers.

  I clenched my eyes closed briefly, attempting to shut out the image still seared on my brain. “What I told you before is the truth. Dominic and I have needed space for a while. We have a complicated relationship, Ellie, and it has nothing to do with you.” I had realized for some time, years probably, that in some ways, Dominic considered himself my caretaker. I’d felt … smothered, though I’d never acknowledged how much. He’d been in college locally when I bought the house, and I’d asked if he wanted to move in for a while. A while had turned into years, and we were long overdue for a change.

  We needed this space in general. What had happened with Ellie was just the proverbial straw. A very large, exceedingly weighty straw, but a straw nonetheless. I’d kicked Dominic out of my house because of what he’d done to Ellie. But I should have asked him to leave long before that. It would have been better for both of us.

  Ellie’s wary eyes moved over my face for a minute before she nodded her head. “George gave me a job at the quarry. I … I can go back home now. I can get around much better and my car is fixed …” She frowned slightly, looking away as if there was something troubling her despite her words.

  “Stay here.” My words sounded so serious, even to my own ears, and her eyes moved back to mine. I shook my head quickly. “It’s minutes from the quarry, and I can drive you there and back. How can you drive an hour and a half every day while you’re wearing a cast on your right leg?”

  She looked down at her leg. “I think I could but … I guess it wouldn’t be the safest thing to do.”

  “No.”

  We were both quiet for a minute as Ellie picked at her fingernails, a habit I’d noticed she did when she was nervous or unsettled. “Gabriel, Dominic told me why you came to the Platinum Pearl in the first place. About Chloe …”

  Ah, God. I sat back, letting out a breath, even angrier now at my brother for his insatiable need to drive Ellie away. His insatiable need to control. I used my toe to push the swing very slightly. “What did he tell you?”

  “He said you had dreams about her … that you came to the Platinum Pearl to find someone to help you get ready for her. That … that was my role. And now she’s here and …”

  I made a small sound in the back of my throat that turned into a sigh. “There’s a bit of truth in that.” She flinched very slightly, and I looked down at my hands for a moment, gathering my thoughts. “When Chloe contacted me, I let my mind wander to … possibilities. But the whole truth, Ellie, is that Chloe made me realize I was ready to try to recover that last part of myself—the part that’s been holding me back from seeking relationships. She was the catalyst that sent me to the Platinum Pearl that night. The idea of her …” I paused, picturing Ellie as she’d looked that night sitting across from me in her gaudy makeup and too-high heels. “And that’s where I found you. I didn’t expect you, Eloise, but there you were. And it’s you I fell in love with.”

  She looked up and blinked rapidly, and the guarded hope in her eyes almost undid me. But it was quickly replaced with uncertainty, maybe even a small measure of panic. “No, Gabriel.”

  “No what?”

  She shook her head. “You shouldn’t love me.”

  I let out a breath. “It’s too late. I already do. I’m sorry but I can’t take it back.”

  Her eyes moved over my face as if she was trying to find some untruth in my eyes, some deception in my expression. I caught that same small glimmer of hope before she blinked it away. Ellie.

  I suspected she had feelings for me, too, though she might not be ready to admit it, even to herself. I’d first thought so the other night when she was looking at the sparrow on the mantel. I’d seen the same yearning in her eyes that I felt, saw the flush on her face when I touched her, the way she leaned into my hand instead of away. And then the night before at dinner, as she’d watched everyone from under her lashes, looking shy and happy and completely defenseless. I’d taken her hand under the table and noticed the goose bumps that formed on her bare arm.

  She’d looked at me and smiled that same dazzling smile she’d given me when she held the rainbow in her hands, the one that filled her face and her eyes and seemed to make her shimmer in some indescribable way. I’d lost my breath again and I knew then I was in love with her. And it scared me and energized me and made me weak with want. It made me want to touch her, to know her in every way possible, to love her in every way possible, and it made me want to be touched and loved by her as well.

  Loving her had begun to heal that last part of myself that still felt broken. So I’d wait. I’d wait for Ellie as long as she needed me to.

  “I …” Whatever she was about to say after that faded away.

  I smiled at her. “It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything until you’re ready. But I got a lesson once about never missing the opportunity to tell the people I love how I feel about them. And it’s sort of a motto I live by now.” I smiled again and she tipped her head, a small smile appearing on her pretty lips. I glanced at her mouth, feeling overwhelmed with the desire to kiss her. But not today. Not the day after my brother had taken something from her.

  She looked away from me, out toward the road for a minute before looking back. “I’m sorry for leaving without telling you. I just …” Her words faded away and she shook her head. “I’m good at running, I guess.”

  I inclined my head, trying to catch her eye, to make her smile. “I don’t mind chasing you, Ellie. Just let me catch you once in a while.”

  * * *

  For the next week we fell back into the routine we’d had before. We watched the sunrise together, and Ellie chatted with me as I worked on William. With the admission of my feelings for her, there was a certain tension that hadn’t been there before, a sort of knowing swirling in the air that neither one of us were addressing. I had told her how I felt, and now I was waiting for her to do the same. Hoping. I saw her sitting alone on the patio in the afternoons, her arms propped on her knee, staring off into the trees, and I left her to think the thoughts she needed to think, hoping to God some of them were about me.

  At night I lay in my bed and thought about her, unable to help the fantasies that ran rampant through my mind. Wondering how her skin might feel beneath my hands, what her mouth would taste like, how it
would feel to join my body with hers. Thoughts of intimacy didn’t scare me as much anymore because when I pictured touching someone, I no longer pictured an unknown, nameless, faceless possibility. I was picturing someone specific now, someone I loved. I was picturing Ellie.

  Chloe came to the house almost every day, and we chatted easily as we’d done from the start. Even though the topic was extremely personal, Chloe had a way of making me feel comfortable and at ease. She’d make a good therapist someday. She was warm and intuitive, and I found myself hoping we’d keep in touch even after this project was over.

  I couldn’t deny that I wondered what it would have been like if I hadn’t met Ellie, if Chloe had shown up and I’d felt ready to pursue a relationship with her and she had wanted one as well. Chloe was vibrant and pretty and so easy to be around. I liked her, and maybe under very different circumstances, I could even love her. It would be a comfortable sort of love, I guessed. But she’d never set my heart on fire like Ellie. She’d never move me and captivate me and make me feel a thousand different emotions all at once. I knew that like I knew the feel of stone beneath my palms, the same way I understood how to move the chisel to create a round edge instead of something square, how much pressure to apply to chip away, but not to break. Because Ellie’s mine. Not to possess. But to love.

  Maybe it was something I saw in her eyes that reminded me of the pain I’d experienced, too. Maybe it was the same reason I loved anything I loved: because it spoke to my heart and my soul. Maybe it was nothing that could be explained and nothing that needed explanation anyway.

  My love for Ellie felt like a breath of life inside of me.

  And so, in a way, it felt strange to be sharing intimate details of my life with one woman when the only woman I ached for was sitting somewhere in another part of the same house.

  One day, after Chloe left, I found Ellie sitting on the patio, and she turned to me and smiled. “I’ve been thinking.”

  I chuckled. “Thinking’s good.”

  “What’s your favorite dessert?”